After more than 20 years of being married, my husband and I got a divorce—well, a sleep divorce. We're still married, but our "divorce" happens at night, when my husband saunters off to get his recommended hours of sleep in the guest bedroom, and I maintain my spot in the primary bedroom with my golden retriever (whose bed is on the floor next to mine).
Confession: Besides hiring someone to help clean my house, getting a sleep divorce is perhaps the best thing I've done for my sleep, my marriage, and my health.
- Nathaniel Watson, M.D. is a board-certified physician, professor of neurology, and co-director of the UW Medicine Sleep Center at the University of Washington in Seattle
What Is a Sleep Divorce?
A sleep divorce, though it may sound ominous, is just the term experts have coined to refer to a couple that sleeps separately. This sleeping arrangement might sound bizarre at first, but if you've ever had a sleepless night because of your partner, it makes sense—and many couples have latched onto it.
Snoring, tossing and turning, blanket hogging, temperature differences are all common complaints among couples who sleep in the same bed. According to a 2024 poll by the American Academy of Sleep Medicine (AASM), over half of adults (56%) adjust their sleep routine to accommodate a bed partner. And over a third (34%) either sleep in another bed in the same bedroom or sleep in another space from to accommodate their bed partner.
Sleeping arrangements that fall under the category of sleep divorce can vary widely, from sleeping in separate beds in the same room to separate bedrooms to completely different areas of the house, depending on the reason for it. If you sleep in a bed with customized controls for each side of the bed that you and your partner can adjust individually based on your preferences, that could qualify as a sleep divorce as well.
Reasons You Might Consider a Sleep Divorce
There are various reasons that couples cite as the cause of a sleep divorce, but they all boil down to one simple thing: you and your partner's sleeping habits are simply not compatible. These reasons can include:
- Schedules: Maybe you like to go to bed earlier and your partner is a night owl, or vice versa, and you're constantly awakened when the night owl comes to bed.
- Snoring or sleep apnea
- One partner is a light sleeper
- Sleep habits don't match up: If one person likes to watch TV to drift off and the other person prefers total darkness and silence, sleep divorce may be the solution.
- Blanket stealing: Though this one might sound silly, it can become a very real problem if one person hogs the covers in their sleep and leaves the other without.
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My Sleep Divorce Story
Although I was raised by parents who always slept together, my dad's parents were different. For as long as I had known them, Mummu and Vaari slept in separate bedrooms, each decorated to their individual preferences. I never thought it strange that they didn't sleep together because that's just how it was.
When I suggested to my husband, Chris, that we sleep apart, it didn't seem odd, especially given what I had learned about the importance of sleep in my career as a journalist. Everybody knows sleep is vital to health, but it wasn't until I began seeing studies linking a lack to sleep to an increased risk of Alzheimer's that I started paying more attention.
My dad's parents had Alzheimer's, which meant my dad was in direct line of it. Sure enough, just a few years ago, my father—a chronic insomniac who's refused to seek treatment to this day—was diagnosed with Alzheimer's.
I hadn't succumbed to my dad's insomnia, but as I crept closer to 40 and then crossed that bridge, I became a lighter sleeper. At the same time, my husband and I began maintaining different sleep schedules. We both read before bed, but while I would flip off my light a little after 10 p.m., my husband would often read for another 30 to 45 minutes. The problem? When I'd sense that his light had gone off, I would wake up, and my monkey mind would start spinning, so much so that the night would wind up being relatively sleepless.
If the light didn't get me, Chris's snoring would. There were nights where I'd be so angry that he was sleeping—he logs eight to nine hours a night while I'm lucky to get six, much less than the suggested seven hours of sleep—that I would be brought to tears. When I would wake up in the morning—I wake naturally a little after 5 a.m., while Chris is up about two and a half hours later—I'd be tired, irritable, and mad at him. Worse? Because I didn't want to disrupt him, I'd fumble around in the dark, often tripping over my dog.
On the nights when I'd get even less than six hours of sleep, I knew that my marriage—and my brain—was in big trouble. Fortunately, Chris didn't argue when I suggested we sleep in different rooms. He knows I've taken every preventive step I can to safeguard my brain, and this was the last straw to fall.
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Is a Sleep Divorce the Best Option?
But was a sleep divorce a reasonable solution to my sleep woes? I asked Nathaniel Watson, M.D. how the experts approach sleep divorces.
"It's important to consider the reasons for a sleep divorce, as many of the issues may signal a sleep disorder that can be addressed with proper diagnosis and treatment," he says. For instance, a snoring bed partner may have obstructive sleep apnea, a disease that can be treated with a CPAP to resolve the snoring, or restless legs syndrome, which medications can treat.
Dr. Watson's advice? "I recommend couples explore the reasons for co-sleeping challenges, because there are solutions that can prevent the sleep divorce from happening." Of course, bed partners can have different sleep schedules, as Chris and I do, so you can always try to change your behaviors and sync your patterns up.
Before you and your partner decide to sleep in completely separate beds or rooms to solve the problem, you might consider some other less extreme methods. There's the Scandinavian sleep method: Sleeping in the same bed, but with your own separate blankets or duvets. But even that may not be enough.
A trial period of sleep divorce or even a sleep divorce on just weekdays (or days when you and your partner are working and have to be up earlier) is another alternative you could try. Though they can be expensive, an adjustable bed like a split king where each partner has their own set of controls could be something to try as well.
Still, "if the sleep continues to be a problem, a sleep divorce should be considered," he says.
The Upsides—and Downsides—of Sleep Divorce
It's been a few years since Chris and I settled into our respective sleep sanctuaries, and I'm in sleep heaven. I'm still my own enemy at times, as our sleep divorce hasn't erased stray work-related thoughts and other worries, but it does give me greater control of my sleep and eliminates the anger I used to feel toward my spouse. Plus, I get to turn the lights on in the morning, which is a bigger deal than it seems.
Of course, having two rooms means taking care of an additional bed, but because we already do our own laundry, we now handle our own sheets too. The sleep divorce works for us because of the extra space—and the extra bedroom—in our house; it would be tough if you live in a small space without a spare bed or bedroom.
The biggest concern might be intimacy, and that may be the one area of our life together that's taken a hit, something Chris has confessed he misses. It's not necessarily the sex, which hasn't changed, but the small moments of affection couples exchange when sleeping with one another. When I invite him back to my bed over the weekends (I figure I can deal with sleep loss better then), though, he almost always refuses, which tells me he either doesn't want to keep me up or has grown to like our separate schedules as much as I have.
While I'll never know why my grandparents got a sleep divorce or exactly how happy they were, I can tell you this: They were married for almost 50 years before passing away.
How to Discuss a Sleep Divorce With Your Partner
Worried how a sleep divorce might affect your relationship? Obviously, you need to chat with your partner to see if this would fit your needs, but know that wanting one doesn't mean your relationship is in trouble. Dr. Watson says that "couples should understand that the goal of a sleep divorce is the pursuit of sleep health and not a commentary on their overall relationship."
"Couples can have long, happy, healthy relationships, even if they don't turn out the lights together at the end of the day," Dr. Watson says.
When broaching the topic with your partner, begin by avoiding any language that places blame on them, like "your snoring is preventing me from sleeping." Instead, approach it from a "we" standpoint—"we're not getting enough good sleep because we don't have compatible sleep styles." Then, come to the table with solutions on how to solve the problem. Be open to your partner's objections and concerns and be willing to compromise.
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